So I started a birth control this month and my period started on the second to last color of pills. Which I thought the last ones were the sugar pills and that’s when it was supposed to start. But yeah. And today means I’ve been on it for 7 days. Has this happened to anyone else or is there something wrong with me?

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That awkward moment where out of nowhere you get the feeling that you hate yourself and don’t want to deal with it anymore. 

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I’m sorry I’m not beautiful. I’m sorry I’m not skinny enough. I’m sorry I’m pale. I’m sorry I’m short. I’m sorry I’m a red head. I’m sorry I’m depressed. I hate myself too. I’m sorry I’m not thy interesting. I’m sorry I’m awkward. I’m sorry I feel shitty all the time.

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I just wanna meet Nic Sheff and tell him I love him and that he saved me.

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I’m about to reach my breaking point. I’m not gonna smoke weed for awhile. I need to feel what I’m really feeling. I’m a pussy running from all my feelings and thoughts. Getting stoned and just pretending like nothing’s wrong. But it’s all wrong. Everything in my mind. I need help. I’m just rambling. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. This isn’t a cry for help or like me trying to get sympathy because that’s the last thing I want. Te other day I was told “you’re going to the hot place honey. But don’t worry I’ll be the bartender”. I’m a liar to my family. I’m the kid they all depend on, the one they expect todo great things for the world. This pressure their putting on me I can’t stand straight any longer.

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Cuddles while we watch Halloween maybe?

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I know I’m not a religious person and shit.

But I’m just asking of those of you who follow me and are, if you could keep my grandpa in your prayers. Last year he had two strokes and he went from hospital to nursing home and now he’s back in the hospital and has a bleeding brain vessel. Which means he’s constantly having strokes. This is all taking a big toll on my family an shit but seeing him now it’s hitting me. He won’t be going home and I just wish this were easier for him. My grandparents kinda raised me seeing as how my mom was 19 when she had me. So yeah. Thanks guys.

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I will see Nic Sheff in person one day. I think I’m going to write to him very soon. He’ll understand my deepest thoughts. 

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It is worth it though,” I say trough the blur of stinging teardrops. “It is worth it. I mean, everything is so hard. Pot’s like the one thing that gets me through it. I feel so lost and out of control. I don’t know what the hell to do. And I feel like the only answer anyone ever has for me is to, you know, go back to meetings— get a sponsor— work the steps. That shit doesn’t work for me, Dad. I’ve tried and tried, but I just don’t feel anything when I’m there. So then I’m left with no other option except to keep numbing out. You have to understand, I don’t know what else to do. Nic Sheff, We All Fall Down

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People need to stop talking about a shit they’re not gonna take. Sit on the fucking toilet and dump that shit, man.

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I think for once I actually don’t like anybody. And I’m pretty happy about it. I mean sure I get lonely a lot. But I’m not stressing ver someone not texting me or if I look good for them. It’s kind of exciting

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I’m done playing all these stupid bullshit games with people. If I’m not your first priority then fuck you, I’m not gonna wait around till you think of me. I’m sick of being a pussy when it comes to relationships but I’d much rather be single than be someone’s back up plan.

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I feel like I put up a front for people now a days. Like when people meet me they think I’m just so happy go lucky. But they don’t know how hard it is to suppress all my problems so I can function. Just so I can be accepted in society. If I could I’d quit my job, delete my facebook, deactivate this tumblr and make a new anonymous one. I’d just stop existing in my life. Sleep all day and just die one day.

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